Learn More About Grief

Points to Ponder

• Grief is a dynamic, fluctuating, evolving process
• Grief is related to the significance of the relationship, not necessarily affection
• Grief is not an illness or something we can ‘get over’>
• Grief is a process of remembering, not forgetting
• Grief is a healing process, not a disease
• Mourning is an essential part of healing
• Grief is more than expressing emotions; it is intentional and hard work
• There may be upsurges of grief around special days or certain occasions
• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is unique for each person
• Grief is applicable to all losses in life; it is not confined to death only
• We will always remember the deceased, but we will not always hurt
• We can love someone very much and still feel relief when they die
• Friends, colleagues, and healthcare providers are affected by grief in addition to family members

Children's Grief

REMEMBER: A child/teen may not look like they are sad or grieving, but if “they are old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve.”

• Sadness, sorrow, depression
• Fear, insecurity, anxiety
• Relief
• Ambivalence
• Longing, loneliness, alienation
• Jealousy
• Guilt, regret
• Apathy, lack of enjoyment
• Powerlessness, helplessness
• Shame (at being different)
• Anger, irritation, frustration
• Feelings of unreality

• Headaches
• Rapid heart beat
• Dizziness, faintness
• Stomach pains, upset
• Fatigue
• Shortness of breath
• Sweating
• Throat tightness

• Play
• Sigh
• Clinging to parents or other adult caregivers
• Regression (thumb sucking, bed wetting)
• Dream about the deceased
• Assume adult responsibilities/roles
• Hide emotions
• Risky behavior
• Act-out (get into fights, argue, etc)
• School performance up or down
• Sleep/fatigue
• Withdrawal or restlessness

Children’s Grief: How Can You Help?

• Present a calm front by dealing with your own anxieties first
• If it is hard for you to talk to your child, seek out friends, family, members, or counselors to talk with the child
• Actively manage the level of change in the child’s life
• Increase the level of predictability in the child’s life (set routines, structure, rules)
• Be present; truly listen without correcting or judging
• Increase the child’s sense of power and control (let them help make decisions)

• Provide accurate, concrete information (words like “asleep,” “passed away,” “on a long trip,” can be confusing to the child)
• Be willing to answer the same question over and over
• Let the child talk about the loss, without judging his or her words
• Don’t try to distract the child from his grief (new toys, lots of activity, special events)
• Let the child know that the death is not their fault

• Act as an “emotional” coach” (lead by your example, let them cry, punch pillows, etc.)
• Help them to grieve through play (puppets, drawing, poetry)
• Storytelling, reading
• Face cookies (decorate cookies with faces showing emotions)
• Time alone if they want it
• Safe anger release (punching bags, stomp rockets, silent screaming, foot stomping)

• Discuss spiritual beliefs
• Create meaningful rituals that include the deceased in some special way
• Share memories and stories
• Make scrapbooks, photo albums
• Find ways to remember the deceased on special days

• Limit additional responsibilities
• Laugh and play

Adolecent Grief

What’s Going On Inside?

Teens have told us about…

Their feelings:	Their thoughts and questions:	Their behaviors:	Their Physical Signs:
Confused Lost Alone Sad Shock Anger Depressed Guilty Shy Empty Robbed Jealous Unmotivated Rage Denial Blamed Numb Regretful Anxious Disbelief Relief	Why me? Why now? Why him/her? Who’s responsible? Who can I trust? Who’s next? What now? What’s next? What am I going to do? What did I do to deserve this? How can I go on? How could this happen? I blame God I’m going crazy I didn’t get to say goodbye I want to die There is no one to talk to	Can’t sleep Sleep too much Acting silly Running away Staying busy Mad at everything Defensiveness Short temper Mood swings Overly helpful/nice Drinking/drugs Gang involvement Fighting Driving carelessly Doing “dumb stuff” Crying Cussing Acting selfish Withdrawal Pushing people away Listening to heavy music Acting mean Yelling Grades slipping Worry Not caring about anything Perfectionism	Depression Shaking Appetite changes Sleep pattern changes Increased sickness Nightmares Weight loss Weight gain Headaches Dizziness Inability to relax Irritability Increased energy Decreased energy Panic attacks

Some Ways to Help…

• Listen
• Don’t judge
• Honor all their feelings and emotions
• Remember that grief is uniquely experienced
• Recognize and help to make them aware of their existing strengths and coping skills
• Don’t try to make it okay, but give hope that things will eventually be better
• Be honest with them…don’t hide information
• Provide a safe place for them to express themselves
• Don’t rush them…grief can be a long journey
• If desired, involve them in planning (memorials, funeral, etc)
• Encourage expression of feelings through writing, art, music, etc
• Encourage realistic memories
• Encourage positive rituals of remembrance
• Monitor behaviors and physical signs…find additional resources if there is a need

How Can I Help My Grieving Friend?

• Don’t try to take away the pain. It is not possible. Perhaps your greatest gift is to be with someone in pain without trying to “fix” it. Offer a non-anxious and nonjudgmental presence.
• Don’t expect the bereaved person to be same person as before. Part of the struggle of grief is to define a “new self.”
• Avoid making assumptions about what the grieving person needs. Ask instead of tell. Avoid using cliches.
• Listen. Listen. And listen again. Repetition is natural for persons in grief. Learn to be comfortable with all emotions.
• Offer specific assistance - grocery shopping, childcare, errands.
• Encourage and recall memories. Death ends a life, not a relationship. Don’t avoid speaking about the deceased.
• Be patient. Recognize that grief involves physical, behavioral, and cognitive responses as well as emotional. A grieving person is more susceptible to illness during grief. Low energy, poor concentration, irritability, and disorganization are normal.
• Personal faith is frequently a major source of comfort during grief. An equally natural response is to question one’s cherished beliefs or philosophy of life. Affirm both responses as healthy.
• Grief has no timetable. Be there! Not just today, but tomorrow, next month, a year from today, and special days.